The Oberon Faerie Show
by viennacantabile
Summary: A transcript of a very dysfunctional cast of Shakespearean characters caught in A Midsummer Night's Dream, as seen on the Oberon Faerie Show.


Just a scripted parody of a jerry springer show…-.- from the Shakespearean play a midsummer night's dream, which, incidentally I don't own and have absolutely no rights to. Enjoy!

--a m i d n i g h t k i s s

The Oberon Faerie Show

Special Episode: Crazy Couples

OBERON: Tonight on the Oberon Faerie Show we have a particularly interesting episode! Instead of the normal snafu of a love triangle, we have a love _quadrangle!_

FAERIES: OOOOH. AAAAH.

OBERON: Yes, that's right, we have four lovers in a very sticky situation! Now let's give a big hand for…_Lysander_!

_(FAERIES APPLAUD)_

LYSANDER: It's great to be here, Oberon!

OBERON: Yes, well…great to have you here, too! Now tell me, what's your side of the story?

LYSANDER: It's simple. Hermia's my girlfriend, and anyone who says different is gonna meet _this! (_holds___ up fist)_

_(FAERIES CHEER)_

DEMETRIUS: _(storms in)_ Now wait just a darn second, here!

OBERON: And here comes the second corner of the rectangle!

LYSANDER: _(turns)_ Not _you_ again!

DEMETRIUS: Yes, me! _(heads to Lysander with fists raised)_

OBERON: (_hurriedly)_ Now, wait! Demetrius, what's your side of the story?

DEMETRIUS: Hermia's my girlfriend. She just doesn't know it yet. I even asked her dad and everything! He thinks I can really go places in life, with football and everything! _(turns and glares at Lysander)_ Unlike _Lysander_, the _computer geek_.

LYSANDER: _(shoves glasses up his nose, speaks dryly)_ At least I can count above _ten, you moronic ignoramus._

DEMETRIUS: Hey! I can count to at _least thirty, you puny little—and what's an ignoramus?_

LYSANDER: _(rolls eyes)_ I'm looking at one, genius.

DEMETRIUS: That's it! I've had enough! _(heads to Lysander with fists raised)_

_(COLLECTIVE GASP FROM THE FAERIES)_

HERMIA: _(runs in)_ Demetrius, stop it!

OBERON: Ah, and here comes the third point of the rectangle, and the first of the ladies to appear!

HERMIA: _(worriedly) _Lysander, are you okay?

LYSANDER: Absolutely spiffing, thank you, dear.

DEMETRIUS: Hermia, why do you bother with that geeky loser anyway? A cool head cheerleader like you should be with _me_. Anyway, I already asked your dad, he said yes, and now you are my girlfriend.

HERMIA: _(screeches)_ WHAT???

OBERON: It just so happens, Hermia, that we have your father here today. Egeus, come on out!

_(FAERIES APPLAUD)_

EGEUS: _(jogs in)_ Why, hello there, Demetrius, dearest Hermia. Lysander…what a…surprise.

HERMIA: Daddy! Tell me Demetrius is lying like the ignoramus that he is!

DEMETRIUS: _(mutters)_ It's that word again…gotta find out what it means!

EGEUS: Now, dear, why would I tell you that? Demetrius is perfect for you! I'm afraid you can't see Lysander anymore, but then again, that's no great loss.

HERMIA: Daddy, I hate you!

OBERON: Now, Hermia, that's no way to treat your father! Why don't you tell us what's making you so mad, eh?

HERMIA: I love Lysander. Lysander loves me. Things would be perfect if Demetrius weren't around. See, that cad used to date my best friend, Helena, but he dumped her on Valentine's Day and asked me out! You can imagine how offended I feel, right, Oberon?

OBERON: Mmmm.

HERMIA: So anyway, I'd like nothing better than to _knock him off the edge of a cliff!_ But nooo, he insists on hanging around like a _clingy mosquito!_

DEMETRIUS: Is it my fault you're gorgeous and Helena's a weirdo?

_(THE FAERIES GO WILD)_

OBERON: Well, Demetrius, we have _another surprise for you three young people! Helena, come on out!_

_(Demetrius spins around, nervous.__ _Helena___ walks out.)_

HELENA: _(flatly) Hello, Oberon._

OBERON: Salutations, Helena dear! What's your side of the story?

HELENA: _(tears up) Demetrius _dumped_ me for _Hermia_! _(sees Demetrius and runs to him)_ Demetrius! Darling!_

DEMETRIUS: Back off, you sicko!

_(COLLECTIVE GASP FROM THE FAERIES)_

HELENA: _(upset) What does Hermia have that I don't?_

DEMETRIUS: Friends.

HERMIA: Demetrius!

DEMETRIUS: What? It's true!

HELENA: _(crying) No matter what you say about me, I will always love you, Demetrius!_

DEMETRIUS: Oh, get a life!

OBERON: _(hurriedly)_ And we'll cut to commercials on _that lovely note! Don't go away! We'll be right back!_

_(BACKSTAGE DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK)_

OBERON: Pssst. Puck!

PUCK: _(pops out from behind a table)_ Hmmm? I was in the middle of my daily handstands. This had better be good.

OBERON: _(chuckles)_ Oh, I assure you, it's good. Listen, I need you to host the show for a little bit. You still remember how to hypnotize, right?

PUCK: Me? Host the show? Are you serious?

OBERON: I need you to hypnotize one of the male guests into loving one of the female guests. You do this and everyone will be happy.

PUCK: Sure, boss. And where'll you be?

OBERON: Out and about. Now remember, make sure that _Demetrius_ falls in love with _Helena_. I know how forgetful you are! Knowing you, you'd make _Lysander fall in love with Helena, and that would __never do._

PUCK: Right, boss. Demetrius and Helena. Got it.

_(OBERON LEAVES)_

PUCK: _(aside)_ It _was_ Demetrius and Helena, right? Or was it Lysander and Helena? Oh well, it must have been Lysander and Helena! They _were_ the last two names he mentioned, right?

_(END OF COMMERCIAL BREAK)_

PUCK: Welcome, welcome to the Puck-Subbing-For-Oberon Faerie show!

_(FAERIES APPLAUD)_

ALL: _Who_ are _you?_

PUCK: _(nervously)_ Oh, well, I'm…a hypnotist! This is…a special feature of the show! Now…let's see…Demetrius, sit across from Hermia, and Helena, across from Lysander. _(all seat themselves)_ Good, good! _(swings pendant) Watch the coin…admire the glitter, relax… Now…you are getting very sleepy. Very sleepy, indeed. Close your eyes. I want you all to picture yourself with the one you love… __(moves over to Lysander) But Lysander, suddenly, you realize it is not _Hermia_ that you love, but _Helena_. __(moves back to center) Lysander, when you open your eyes, immediately confess your love! __(Puck snaps his fingers)_

LYSANDER: Helena, oh beautiful girl, I love you!

HELENA: But…but…I love Demetrius!

DEMETRIUS: But I love Hermia!

HERMIA: But…Lysander, I love you!

LYSANDER: Get over it.  
HERMIA: _(shocked)_ Ly-Lysander! _(turns to __Helena__) What did you do? Tell me!_

HELENA: What are you talking about?

HERMIA: You! You stole Lysander! You couldn't have Demetrius, so you stole my boyfriend, you…backstabber!

HELENA: Oh, like _you can talk, Miss New-Object-of-Demetrius'-Affection? Demetrius was my boyfriend before he started drooling at your feet!_

HERMIA: _(lunges)_ You're gonna pay!

_(COLLECTIVE GASP FROM THE FAERIES)_

PUCK: Oh, dear. I seem to have gotten the wrong man. _(grabs Demetrius)_ There, I'll fix it! _(hypnotizes Demetrius) There now! You love only Helena!_

DEMETRIUS: _(holds his arms out to __Helena__) Helena, my sweet!_

HELENA: Why is everyone mocking me? I would at least have expected Lysander to be kind! And Hermia! Participating in this joke?

HERMIA: Boy, do I _wish_ it was a joke!

PUCK: Oh no, oh no, oh no Oberon's gonna kill me!

OBERON: _(comes in looking expectant)_ So Puck, how'd it go? Everything all peachy?

PUCK: Er…

_(__Helena__ runs in front of them screeching bloody murder while Hermia follows close behind screaming like a banshee. Demetrius is attempting to get to Lysander but is blocked by Lysander's chair, which he is using to defend himself. The faeries are cheering their favorites on.)_

OBERON: (_raises eyebrows) Yes_, Puck?

PUCK: _(feebly) Uh…not exactly?_

OBERON: _(sits down with a big sigh) _I _knew_ I shouldn't have left…

PUCK: Well, how do I fix this? Both Demetrius and Lysander love Helena now!

OBERON: De-hypnotize Lysander, silly.

PUCK: Oh. That might…help. All right. Hey!_ Lysander!_ Come here!

LYSANDER: _(walks cautiously over) _You don't see Demetrius anywhere, do you?

PUCK: _(startled) No…why?_

LYSANDER: When one cannot see Demetrius, Demetrius is usually about to attack one and not me.

PUCK: Say again???

_(Demetrius pounces at Lysander, but lands on Puck instead. FAERIES APPLAUD.)_

LYSANDER: _(bows) I rest my case. Now what'd you want, Puck?_

PUCK: Get Demetrius off of me!

LYSANDER: _(shrug)_ Just tickle him.

_(Demetrius immediately runs away and exits screeching)_

LYSANDER: See? Works every time.

PUCK: _(takes out pendant before Lysander can react)_ Watch the coin…admire the glitter… relax… Now…you are getting very sleepy. Very sleepy, indeed. Close your eyes. I want you all to picture yourself with the one you love…and Lysander, suddenly, you realize it is not _Helena _that you love, but _Hermia_. Lysander, when you open your eyes, immediately confess your love! _(Puck snaps his fingers)_

LYSANDER: _(loudly)_ Hermia, oh how I love you!

_(All movement stops)_

HERMIA: Lysander! _(hugs Lysander)_

HELENA: Demetrius! Demetrius, where are you? _(exits to find Demetrius)_

OBERON: Well, it looks like all is well in the former love quadrangle! See you in the next episode: My Wife's in Love With A Donkey!

Hope you enjoyed it! :p

--a m i d n i g h t k i s s


End file.
